New Zealand’s Flag Apparently Will NOT be a Kiwi Shooting Lasers from its Eyes

When the government of New Zealand invited citizens to submit designs for a proposed new flag, they probably weren’t expecting a kiwi (the bird, that is) shooting lasers from its eyes—or a rainbow from its backside, for that matter.

“The laser beam projects a powerful image of New Zealand,” Gray says of his design. “I believe it is so powerful it does not need to be discussed.”

But that’s what they got, and sooooo much more. Approximately 10,300 more wanna-be banners, to be exact(ish).

After months of unflagging (ahem) anticipation, the results are finally in. This week, Kiwis voted on their favourite design. But before “the big reveal,” let’s take a moment to see how the contest shaped up—and review the best of the bizarre designs. (Hang in there. I promise you, it’s worth it).

The initial task of whittling all those thousands of submissions down to a mere 40 fell to “The Panel,” as the official flag deciderers dubbed themselves—anticipating, perhaps, a “So You Think You Can Design a Flag” reality show judged by retired warrior princess Lucy Lawless and down-at-their-furry-heels ex-Hobbits.

Personally, this flag would've got my vote. But that's probably because I designed it--and also, I've just got back from the pub, so my judgement may be slightly impaired.

Personally, I would have voted for this flag. But that’s probably because I designed it–and also, I’ve just got back from the pub, so my judgement may be slightly impaired.

Given the enterprising “anything goes” spirit of this endeavor, I had hoped that the ultimate victor would be selected in a televised cage match, where the participants would not be scored on the merits of their designs, but by their Smaug-slaying skills (or, at the very least, their bikini mud wrestling abilities).

In fact, voters selected what they deemed the best option from a field of five in late 2015, and the winner of that referendum—a triumphant fern—was then pitted against the old flag in a final vote in March 2016.

The fern is nice and all, but can we all just agree that Xena and Gollum would’ve kicked some serious derriere?

And the winner is…the original New Zealand flag, first adopted in 1902.

Seriously, New Zealand, you chose this over the rainbow-farting kiwi?

That’s right. The whole business cost $27 million dollars, and absolutely nothing changed.

The competition wasn’t a total waste, however. At least the good people of New Zealand proved they have a winning sense of humour.

So, lest their efforts be forgotten, here are the most, er, “creative” designs, which, unfortunately, will not be waving proudly over New Zealand’s parliament building anytime soon.